SOMETHING LIKE CATHARSIS

I can't bear the crushing quotidian. I am a permanent emergent. I study my own emergency. I study my own impermanence. I pulse with a lifelike desire to move and not stop moving. I lay myself down and breathe her in when she lays herself down beside of me. I ruin myself with a distrust of cycles and of tradition. I ruin myself with drink and with smoke. I call, at obscene hours, people who don't want to hear from me, and tell them things that I ought not tell them. I demand they write me things. I ruin myself with a distrust of those I love. I can't stand not being wanted. I am wanted. I spend hours doing nothing and chide myself for it. I spend hours using my body and still don't sleep soundly. I break things that matter to me and make things that I love stop working. I build things. I build massive things. I use my words to build things bigger than they ought to stand. I love you. Then I knock them over. I can't bear the crushing quotidian.